Enriched friendships
How to build three-star relationships
By Jim Huling
November 2007
Iwas driving home late one night, my mind
filled with a troubling challenge I was facing at work. A series of unexpected problems in a major project had rocked my team
and caused my confidence to falter. With
each new challenge, my fears had increased,
and I could feel myself spiraling into a mind-set that I knew would only make it worse.
As I waited for the traffic light to change,
my cell phone rang. Despite my inward
cringe that the call would only bring another new problem, I pressed the button to
answer.
“Hey man, it’s Steve!” said a voice I had
known for over 20 years.
In one miraculous moment, my state of
mind changed as I reconnected with one of
my closest friends. Throughout the next
hour, we shared the latest events in our lives,
including the challenges I was facing.
When I described the problems and my
concerns about the team, Steve reminded
me of similar challenges I had faced in
the past and had successfully overcome.
When I confessed my worries that I
wasn’t leading the team well enough,
he spoke of his confidence in me and
reminded me that others believed in
me, as well. We also laughed about all
the things we had been through
together and at ourselves for all the
times we thought our challenges would
overwhelm us, only to see them resolved
with patience and hard work.
Our call came to an end as I arrived home
that night, but thanks to my friend, I was
ready to make a new beginning when I
drove to work the next day. This experience and many others like it have taught
me one of the most important lessons in the
business of life — the power of friendship.
Is your life enriched with real friendship?
Here’s an exercise that can provide a
revealing answer. Make a list of your closest
friends on a sheet of paper. Now, place a star
beside those whom you would call if you
were sick and needed help in the middle of
the night. Put another star beside those
whom you would ask for money if you were
in financial trouble and had no other options.
Finally, place a star beside those you would
confide in if you had made a major mistake
in life — a mistake that might carry serious
emotional consequences if it became known.
How many “three-star” friends do you
have?
If you have even a few, you are blessed with
one of the greatest gifts in life. Although
there are many levels of friendship, these
three questions are good indicators of the
deepest level because they reveal the friends
you can count on when you are most vulnerable. If you want to create this level of friendship, here are three things you must do.
Become the friend you want to have. If
you want friendships at the deepest level of
trust, then be absolutely trustworthy, never
revealing a confidence shared with you by a
friend. If you want friends who are there for
you in times of difficulty, then make time in
your schedule this week for a friend in need.
Begin to model the characteristics you want
most in a friend and you will soon find
friendships that return them to you.
Invest in the friendships that matter.
Friendship can deepen over time but only if
you invest the emotional energy to be vulnerable, to listen and to share the things that
really matter. Although it takes time to make
this investment, even one friendship at this
level of depth is more valuable than a hundred surface-level acquaintances.
Choose friends that expand your
vision. Remember that your friends are a
model of who you will become because, over
time, their influence will shape your ideas
and your character. There is real truth in the
ancient teaching that says, “As iron sharpens
iron, so one friend sharpens another.” If you
choose friends that reflect your own values,
such as integrity, fairness or compassion,
they will challenge you to stay true to who
you are and what you believe.
JIM HULING is CEO of MATRIX Resources Inc., an IT services
company that has achieved industry-leading financial growth while
receiving numerous national, regional and local awards for its values-based culture and other work-life balance programs. The company was recently named one of the 25 Best Small Companies to
Work for in America for the third year in a row by the Great Place to
Work Institute and the Society for Human Resource Management.
Huling is also the author of “Choose Your Life!” — a powerful,
proven method for creating the life you want. Reach him at
Jim_Huling@MatrixResources.com.
