In a perfect world, all is sweetness and light. Everyone gets along in an environment of cooperation and harmony. Unfortunately, we don’t live or work in a perfect world. Conflict is inevitable; some are small disagreements, while others are large, deep rifts.
Mindful leaders embrace conflict resolution to guide and strengthen the team. In “The Art of War,” Sun Tzu writes, “A leader leads by example, not by force,” and, “In the midst of chaos, there is opportunity.” When disagreements arise, conscientious leaders seize this chance and tap into their skills and those of the team.
Identify and own assumptions, and encourage active listening. With conflict, remember that egos may be involved and recognize that some people simply need to vent. Forbid finger pointing and look for the “why” of the conflict, using such language as, “I understand,” or, “What I hear you saying is … ” This way, each party owns his or her own position.
Too often, assumptions are the foundation of a person’s expressed position. Foster understanding of points and counterpoints by encouraging each party to share, without interruption, what they assume when voicing their viewpoint. Ask them to focus on each other’s assumptions as they listen. This disengages the warring parties from particular viewpoints and directs their attention to what they’re worried about, as assumptions tend to be dictated by past experience.
Guide the conversation. You may have to convene a group conversation. In that situation:
Manage the team’s stress. Some people avoid conflict and may be unsure. Others can be domineering and rush headlong into arguments. Such emotions are distractions. A mindful leader reads and understands all emotions, including nonverbal communication.
Stay calm, while gently identifying and addressing the elephants in the room. Depending on the conflict level, breaks may prove beneficial to de-escalate emotions. Use humor when appropriate to diffuse tension.
Work the problem. Facilitate the discussion in the now, not on past grievances, which is counterproductive. Remain objective and impartial as parties speak to one another — not just to or through the mediator. Look for common ground as the foundation for solutions and the relationship. Acknowledge that differences often arise, but they can be opportunities to find new, better ways to do things.
Prioritize action steps. This can result in conflict resolution and healthy teams. Don’t forget to check back to see if agreed-upon steps were taken.
Sun Tzu writes, “When one treats people with benevolence, justice and righteousness, and reposes confidence in them, the army will be united in mind, and all will be happy to serve their leaders.” This approach in the face of conflict demonstrates — and fosters — emotional agility and intelligence.
“The Art of War” also states, “It is easy to love your friend, but sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is to love your enemy.” While “enemy” is likely an overstatement, in the midst of the war of opinions, it may feel similar.
Empathy, listening, uncovering assumptions, humor and a focus on the future are all healthy practices to ensure “anger may in time change to gladness …” and you find a new approach that neither party might have otherwise come up with.
Aradhna M. Oliphant is the president and CEO of Leadership Pittsburgh Inc. LPI strengthens regional leadership by connecting current and emerging leaders and high-potential veterans with each other and with people and issues that shape communities. Under her leadership, demand for LPI programs has grown exponentially. A graduate of LPI, Aradhna is deeply committed to the region including through service on boards and commissions. She is invited frequently to speak and write on leadership.
