“So we live, forever saying farewell,” states the poet Rilke. This farewell may be to an endearing moment, a stage of our lives, our children gone off into the world or the death of a loved one. The one permanent thing about life is its impermanence.
The heaviness of loss and grief can only be experienced when something of value is present in our life.
If no one is precious to us, we will not experience the devastation of grief. Some people resist drawing too near, knowing it will hurt too much if they lose him or her. They don’t realize that life minus love equals zero.
Resist the urge to push
The word “grief” comes from the Latin word gravis, “to bear.” When loss comes our way, life asks us to carry it and deal with it as best we can. Grief, like other primal emotions, resists being tamed by words, resents being pinned down, analyzed or dealt with by technique.
All of us have a family member, relative or friend who grieves. The more we love them, the more we want to help. Yet, caution and sensitivity are of supreme importance, for sometimes our best intentions lead us to our worst choices.
Remember, there are no “techniques” to free grieving people from their mourning. The secret lies in letting people find their own way, and in restraining ourselves from marching them in the direction, or at the rate, of our own choosing.
It’s a gift — not technique — to know when to stand aside while still remaining personally present with a grieving friend.
Grief, for a time, leads people off the central path everyone else seems to be traveling. There is no way to “save” another from these detours without additional hurt.
Even the most caring friend must give them space. Empty reassurances, denial and pietistic words only distract them from the work of mourning they must do.
The best way to help a grieving friend is to be with him or her in an understanding and accepting way — just being there, without interfering, while they carry out the symbolic and personal aspects of mourning.
Transforming
People make themselves whole again through the ordeal of mourning. They come to terms with their loss and reintegrate themselves into life.
It’s not a return to pre-loss status quo. People don’t “get back to normal” after a child or spouse dies, or any profound loss. Grief is an opportunity not for resolution, as is popularly said; it’s a time for transformation, a wholly new awareness of reality, self, the beloved and the world.
Transformation can bring gratitude for the beloved person we have lost and the time we had together.
We don’t get to the other side of grief suddenly, as if we row across a river of tears to a solid bank. It’s not a straight route. Grief comes and goes, ebbs and flows. We don’t perceive that we’ve reached the other side.
Rather, we notice the landscape gradually changing. Winter slowly thaws and becomes spring, though it seems tenuous and we’re not sure it’s here for good. But the green and buds do come. And then, one day, there are even blooms we enjoy once again.
Michael Schoedinger is the president of the Schoedinger Funeral and Cremation Service, which has been in business for 150 years, and has a staff of professionals with years of experience caring for families from all walks of life.
